Kit's Hopefully Humorous Essay

Alrighty then; Matt's ridiculously good humorous essay has inspired me to post my #2 Territory paper as well. Granted, it is rather weird and not all that funny...Please don't be offended if you find it really stupid...And kindly don't deem me a freak for the weirdness of this essay. It seemed like a good idea at the time, and it was really fun to write. So here goes.

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Our country is in bad shape. Corrupt officials, drug abuse, violent crimes, troubled youths – America is, most indisputably, in the middle of a disturbingly rapid downward spiral. Concerned individuals all across the nation are pondering the same question regarding this national crisis: how did this decline start? What on Earth could have caused it all? Thankfully, the answer to these troubling questions has finally surfaced, and the answer is that many of these problems have originated right in the root of society, in the schools of America*.

If people would take the time to peek into the agenda book of an average American schoolchild, the answer would become apparent to them, too. If one would look in the back pages of said books, they would realize that, amazingly, only four pages are devoted to hall passage forms. Apparently America thinks that children can survive on only one page of bathroom or water fountain breaks per quarter of the school year! Any school-going individual knows that this notion is quite preposterous.

Moreover, the schools of the United States are contaminated by so many teachers who care not for the physical comfort of their students. It is many a teacher who will refuse to let a student use the restroom when they feel the need! Such teachers lack empathy, and common sense as well. Teachers who repeatedly ask their students the embarrassing question, “Is it an emergency?” have obviously never been asked this question themselves, or have been so scarred by this humiliation that they feel the need to inflict this experience on other people. Many people believe that being forced to state whether or not their particular need is an “emergency” or not – in front of their peers, no less – is juvenile and awkward. As for the lack of common sense in aforementioned teachers – how are students supposed to concentrate if uncomfortable?

Come now, people of America, think hard – back to the days when you were in school. Now, many people associate school with agony, misery, or other unease. Have you ever thought about why this may be? Excess homework, unnecessary rules, limited time for fun, creative suffocation, and social awkwardness are only minor reasons for so many label the overall school experience as “bad.” It is the small, seemingly insignificant – but ever-accumulating – nuances of experiences that matter to humans the most, even if we realize them only subconsciously. Almost every American will agree that knowing that they, for example, are having a particularly bad hair day can ruin their whole mood. Surely being in constant discomfort at a place of learning can, over time, seriously hurt a person’s overall opinion of said place of learning.

The discomfort of not being allowed to use the facilities can damage a person’s personality indirectly in other ways as well. If the bulk of a person’s attention is focused on the fact that they have not been able to use the bathroom in five hours, their coherency, happiness, and level of how much fun they are to be around, will surely regress. A person whose main thought is how strong their call of the wild is will suffer socially, as they will not be able to focus on how to communicate, act with intelligence, and fulfill other social functions. If a student experiences this often enough (this is known as Personal Relief Initiating Social Slippage in Youngsters, or PRISSY), the peers of said PRISSY-plagued person will grow to think of them as strange, dislike them, and eventually ostracize them from the youth society*.

It addition to the embarrassment before and isolation from peers, the actual discomfort itself of some teacher’s ban on bathroom breaks has a severe mental effect on American students. Scientists have found that a high percentage of youths involved with violent crimes – young gang members, students who have been involved in fights on school grounds, et cetera – have medical evidence of severe bladder stress. Many recent studies provide solid evidence that this is, most likely, not a coincidence*.

In conclusion, the infestation of bathroom break-fearing teachers in America’s public school system is a major cause of many of the large problems befouling today’s society. The inability to use the facilities provides physical harm, humiliation, social regression, and isolation for American youngsters. All of these gifts from the United States’ public education system have lead to deep-seated mental and emotional scarring, leading to violent, troubled, or otherwise bad behavior*. There should be no doubt in any intelligent person’s mind that the shortage of bathroom breaks has lead to the horrible consequences that we see everyday in American society. For the sake of the children’s sanity and the sake of the nation, the PRISSY child must be abolished!

*This is absolutely and in no way true, and if it actually is, I was not aware of it.